Another morning spent waiting hours to get my car ready for our big adventure. Today I am getting a new timing belt, coolant flush, transmission flush, a new engine air filter, and a few other things to give my Subie some extra love in hopes that it will love me back while we are on the road. I sit here and struggle staying focused. My mind fights to wander and become distracted with the TV blaring at me and all the traffic of people bustling through the dealership. I want to go back to this past weekend when I stopped the adventure prep and headed over to the west coast of Florida with a dear friend and her two children to relax and celebrate Mother’s Day.
It was such a wonderful weekend filled with love and laughter and lightness……… With talking and sharing and planing and dreaming…….. The more I share with others what I am doing the more excited I feel. I think the number one question people ask is, “So what’s your plan?” When I look at them with a smile and shrug my shoulders and laugh, the response varies from shock to disbelief to serious concern. My plan is to have NO PLAN! I have researched trips and routes and every time I start “planning” the anxiety grows. I am choosing to listen to my internal response and use it as a compass for this adventure.
I have a very lose outline of what direction we will start, some must see places we definitely do not want to miss, but the real PLAN looks something like this; I want to move when we feel like moving, to stay when we feel like staying, and to see as many friends and family as we possibly can along the way. I don’t want to feel rushed, I don’t want to be worried about getting to the next place, and I don’t want to regret anything. I want to embrace each and every moment of this trip, I want to be present and when we are in a specific place, to REALLY be in that place. To be grounded in our environment, to truly kiss the earth with each and every step we take.
To explore the places where we hear nothing but nature. To allow the sun to kiss every inch of my body and let the wind be my hair stylist. I want to be in places where my eye are not cluttered with buildings and concrete and material things. Where visions of oceans and mountains and wide open spaces are etched into my heart. Where a lone bird guides me home as we dance together along a sandy shoreline. Where Sienna can be free to explore what sets her own soul on fire. To be inspired by the beauty of nature, to experience her education live and in color, to touch and feel the history of this country with her own hands. The more and more I listen to my heart, I become aware that I belong in a world that’s supports the ease of my spirt. Instead of bashing myself into a world that causes so much anxiety in my soul. I am no longer littering the streets of my mind with “should’s” and “musts” and allowing expectations to build into a mountain peak, who’s summit I will never reach. Instead I will honor my truth, dance sweetly along a gentle breeze and toss my head back and laugh at how long it took for me to finally be me! I look forward to embracing this freedom and in turn passing it along to my daughter who is so much like me.
My sweet girl, who I have tried for years to jam into the same square I spent so many years trying to jam myself into, deserves something better. As I look forward, I eagerly anticipate healing old wounds that have left their scars on both of us. I look forward to undoing so much of that “not enough” dialogue that shows up on auto play for both of us. I look forward to embracing exactly who we are and encouraging beautiful growth as we embark on an incredible unfolding into ourselves………. I am jolted back into my reality as my name is called over the loud speaker, “Ms. McKinley please report to the customer service desk.” I am informed that the parts they need to get my car ready will not be in until tomorrow, so due to the inconvenience they will be providing me a rental car until everything is finished. They are so apologetic and I graciously assure them, there is NOTHING to worry about. They are in shock!!! Specifically, the young girl helping me looks in my eyes and says, “Ma’am, thank you so much for not yelling and being upset, we try to do our best here, I really appreciate how well you are taking this news” I am visibly confused, (they simply told me my car will be delayed and they are GIVING me a rental at no charge, there was absolutely NO bad news here!!!) so she continues to tell me most people get so angry when there are delays and yell at anyone and everyone. I smile a gentle smile and tell her she isn’t “trying” to do her best, that she “WAS doing” her best and that I appreciated that!! She stared in disbelief as she handed me the keys to a BRAND NEW Subaru Forrester (a car I’ve always wanted to drive to see the difference between the Outback). We laughed together at the absurdity of people’s stress and anger and I remembered that I was laughing at my old self, because at one point in my life I was that angry person who just couldn’t tolerate and “inconveniences” in my oh so important life! Today I am different, and I know in 1 year from now, I will be even more different………. Feeling very excited to experience the journey.
Love & Light,