Look Ma, No Hands………

“Attention passengers, the Captain has turned on the seatbelt sign, please stay in your seat with your seatbelt securely fastened.  We are heading into some turbulence.  We are doing everything to keep your flight as comfortable as possible.  For your safety and the safety of those around you, please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened tightly until the Captain turns off the seatbelt sign.”
For as long as I can remember these words have been significant to me.  When I was little I remember hearing those words, not knowing what they meant, and hearing the gasps and watching people become visibly panicked.  As the flight continued I remember feeling the bumps and actually liking the “turbulence”.  I didn’t understand why everyone was freaking out, but some conditioning started in my being.  And even though I have never developed a fear of air turbulence, I developed fears of other things……. More than anything I developed a belief that life was hard and things don’t go right for me and if they did for a timeframe that would end sometime and the “other shoe would drop”.  I believed that I wasn’t worthy of love or good things or being free or experiencing life with a sense of ease. I truly believed that life would always be a struggle for me, that things wouldn’t work out for me, and I would always experience life with a deep ache from my gut. (No, I’m not talking about painful gas) As I write this and look back, I am also aware that my “quiet voice”, my “truth” has always been there as well. But I believed the lies of my head instead of the quiet truth of my heart.  I followed the lies of my head and continued to create those thoughts into my reality.  I spent many years trying to drown that quiet voice, until one day I just couldn’t believe the lies any more.  The quiet whisper gained strength and my entire being SCREAMED that there HAD to be another way…… There HAD to be something to that gentle pull that always surfaced with the same consistent message, “What would life look like if you listened and followed your heart?” “What would happen if it ALL worked out?” “What would you do if you believed you would succeed?” “How differently would your life experience be if you lived COMPLETELY in line with your truth?” So I set out on a journey, a journey of healing all the broken pieces in me that believed the lies.  A journey where I learned to be fearless and dream, to believe in possibilities. I let the pain that I spent half a lifetime trying to hide and deny, rise to the surface and crack me wide open.  I literally felt my being shatter into a million little pieces one night as I lay sobbing on my kitchen floor, gasping for breath……
I was present for each and every moment of that darkness and allowed it to ooze from the depths of my soul.  I stayed on that floor to exhausted to move for what felt like an eternity. Towards the end, when there were no more tears, no more snot, no more tightness in my chest, no more ache, no more fear I realized something.  It didn’t kill me, I survived, I was still breathing, I was (for the first time in a very long time) ALIVE!!!!! I was so kind to that broken being lying on the floor, I gave her space to be a beautiful, disastrous mess and love her anyway!!! It was the beginning of a very long journey back to ME, that is still unfolding.  Getting back to my original metaphor, when Sienna was very young I started traveling with her.  When we hit turbulence or a bumpy road I would raise my hands up in the air, like we were riding a roller coaster, and yell WHHEEEEEEEEE………
We would laugh together and the fear would never land.  Sienna learned to laugh and have fun in a time where most people were letting fear grip them tightly and toss them around.   As this new adventure takes form I am hitting all sorts of “bumps in the road”. Various car issues, banking situations, work hiccups, finding out Sienna needs a lot of orthodontic work, research and planning opportunities, etc…… I was having dinner with dear friends the other night and telling stories about the various “issues” I’ve been having and how the fear shows up for me.  She looked at me and said, “There’s going to be bumps in the road as you get ready to leave, it’s just going to happen, and it’s all going to be ok.” At that moment I remembered to raise my hands in the air and yell WHHEEEEEEEEEE………. You see, there will ALWAYS be “bumps” and “turbulence” in our lives!  It’s how we choose to view those events that determine our feelings and reactions.  I know in the next 60 days there are going to be a lot of opportunities to practice this.  Looking forward to the excitement of the dips and dives and knowing I can always Enjoy The Ride!!!
Love & Light

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