My oh my, where do I begin? It’s been awhile and what I want to write is I’ve been struggling and that’s why I have been so disconnected. But the truth of the matter isn’t that I’ve been struggling the entire time…. I have had epic and magical times, I have gotten lost in the amazing adventure and I have been more focused on enjoying my time than documenting it. I have also had some deeply painful struggles and some self reflection that was ugly to look at, but much needed!! I have felt incredible bliss, deep love, magical joy and I have also felt sadness that felt like it was going to split me open, incredible loneliness, fear that i wanted to run from and found strength in areas I forgot I had!!! I have kept private notes and LOTS of bullet points that I want to revisit to share with everyone. You see I love to write!!! I have always found it a way to make sense of my feelings and organize thoughts and either keep it for myself or share with others…… I share in hopes of inspiring others or letting someone know they are not alone or maybe just to share my own life experience in hopes that it will touch another being!! I guess in many ways I write to feel the Divine thread that weaves through the Universe and connects us all. For as long as I can remember, I have been painfully aware of my aloneness in this world. Even in times of my life that it has been filled with people and places and activities I have felt alone. I felt alone until I connected to my source, my truth, my own divine spirit that is fed from the Universal love and light that fills us all…….. I have found this connection in a variety of different ways over the years, but most recently I have found it through my practice of Yoga, meditation and the seeking of Buddhist teachings. I was so filled with this light when I returned from Bali, as my life was centered around EVERYTHING that I love and fills my soul so that I may be of the greatest benefit to others. That is my life goal, to continue to grow into the greatest version of myself, so that I can be of service to others…… That is where the magic is born for me!!!
With all of the above taken into consideration, it seemed like a fantastic idea to write a blog and share our adventures in hopes of inspiring others. To document the ups and downs and all rounds, so that I could look back over the year and reflect and also to feel connected to others while I set out on a solo journey with my girl. I wanted to stay in contact with all the incredible people who have supported both Sienna and I over the years that brought us to this incredible adventure. I wanted to write with a transparency, which actually scared me at times, but I wanted it to be raw and authentic. I wanted to share the incredible places we visited in hopes that one day someone would add a special spot onto their own list of “must see’s” and think of us when they had their own adventure. I wanted people to know where we were so they could suggest awesome places in surrounding areas since I don’t do much research, I just show up places lol…… But what happened was in my true perfectionist form, (shhhhhhhh don’t tell anyone) I lost the love of it all. Writing felt like an obligation and something I “HAD” to do…… I began to resent it and it had only been a short time, lol. I put all this pressure on myself to have it look and feel a certain way and when I couldn’t keep up because I was enjoying the experiences I beat myself up and felt like such crap about the entire thing I just disengaged!!!
Match that with not doing the things that make my soul sing; yoga, meditation, connecting with nature, being in the present moment, connecting with the divine light, working out, being with people, doing something for someone else, going slow, staying with my breath, setting an intention for the day, being kindness……. and KABAM!!!!! Even amongst my most epic trip and amazing adventures I found myself slipping into a depressive state. Yes, I would have moments even days of joy, but there was this underlying weight that snuck up on me in the midst of an amazing adventure……. I got caught in my old ways. I didn’t put the things that are important to me first. I got caught up in all the doing and going and the hiking and the seeing and the flash cards and the schooling and the teaching and the learning and the adventuring and the meeting of people and all the other epic shit I’ve been up to, but I forgot me…… I forgot I need to slow down and settle in and be still!!! I forgot I need to meditate and practice yoga and connect!!! I forgot to breathe……… So in this moment as I write with my heart (yes, I’m enjoying it) I am recommitting to taking care of me. To do the things I know feed my soul and fill me up!!! Because I know so very well that I cannot serve anyone else from an empty cup. And today I realized how empty my cup was!!! This is a cup that cannot be filled by others (even though that would be so much easier because I have AMAZING people in my life that definitely try) but it is a cup that is solely my responsibility to fill. I commit to taking care of myself because I love me when I show me how important I am……. When I am filled with love and doing love filled activities, I can’t help but share it with others…….
So I continue to live and learn and grow. At some point I will continue to play catch up with writing about my adventures in hopes of inspiring others and I commit to sharing authentically when the spirit moves me to do so…… I am giving myself permission to just be. To know that I am enough just as I am and to know that everything is unfolding just as it needs to for my greatest growth……. There is no pressure, no expectation, no judgement…… Today I refocus and practice what I preach. With each exhale I settle deeper into my truth. With each word I type, I feel the stillness and my heart welcomes me back into itself……. It gently smiles and wonders what took me so long!
Love & Light, Me